This season is crammed with opportunities for holiday cheer and gathering around family dinner tables. If that thought fills you with dread—because of a toxic mother or family member—you’re not alone. Roughly 30 percent of Americans experience disruptive holiday stress, due in no small part to the presence of difficult family members.
Cutting ties with family members, especially surrounded by holiday images of bucolic family festivities, can seem incredibly daunting—but in the long run is the only way to a happy and healthy holiday season. On this I speak from experience: I remember the first time I did not invite my own mother to spend Christmas with my family. After years of struggling with our relationship and of sacrificing my mental and emotional health, the decision still wasn’t easy. I was concerned about how excluding my mother would affect other family members who were impacted by my choice and what people would think of me.
The day came, and my mom wasn’t there for the first time in my adult life – it was different and strange, but as I let myself relax instead of steeling myself to deflect her annual litany of passive-aggressive abuse, I could confirm it was the right choice. As it turned out, her absence made my friends and family recognize the strain the relationship with my mother had been putting on me. That holiday was relaxing and drama-free. For the first time (and now for every holiday since) I was able to enjoy the time I spent with family. So if you are considering making the hard but healthy choice of un-inviting your toxic mother, or another unhealthy family member, from your holiday table this year, here are some guidelines that may help.
Choose the right method of breaking the news.
While informing mom that she’s uninvited from this year’s holiday festivities is never going to be an easy conversation, there are some ways that you can mitigate the difficulty. You can make other obligatory plans for the traditional holiday meal (with friends or in-laws) and suggest an alternative time for her to get together with just you and/or the kids. This allows her to be present in a more manageable setting. Just make sure that you do in fact make other plans — toxic mothers who feel jilted are better than the FBI at catching you in a lie. Have an alibi! If even that seems like too much contact this holiday season you still have options:
- Talk face to face: Be prepared with concrete examples of her past behavior that caused pain and chaos. Be prepared for her to be defensive. And be prepared to exit stage left when you have said all you need to say.
- Call her on the phone: The phone has the advantage of being a natural boundary of physical distance, and that’s what this call should be about: boundary setting. Let her know she won’t be invited and let her know that you have full ownership of your life and will be setting boundaries that you see as necessary to protect yourself. Be prepared that those boundaries may include hanging up when the phone call ceases to be productive.
- Text/Email/Send a letter: Addressing your toxic mother through writing allows you to decrease the nerves knowing that you face a no-win conversation. It allows you to communicate clearly, and to take whatever time you need to craft your message.
Keep in mind that uninviting your toxic mother is not a selfish choice.
Having a toxic person at a holiday gathering ruins the holiday for everyone—even if the toxicity is specifically directed at you. It is better to have one person hurting from a tough conversation where you make plans for mom to not be in attendance than it is to have your husband, children, and other close family and friends negatively affected by her antics.
It is OK to love your mother and not like her.
You can have Christmas dinner or a Kwanzaa celebration without your mother and still love her. In fact, ridding yourself of the stress, anxiety and drama that almost certainly would accompany another holiday gathering might allow your relationship to improve, on your terms.
You are not hurting your kids by not inviting grandma to the holidays.
Young children are very vulnerable to influence, and you as the parent have the right and frankly the responsibility to protect them from toxic family members. That might mean keeping them from their grandmother altogether this holiday season or having a separate, more controlled gathering on your terms.
Dealing with the family guilt trip.
Inevitably someone will have a little bit too much Manischevitz and ask why your mother hasn’t been invited to dinner. Keep in mind that you do not owe anyone an explanation for why you will not tolerate the intolerable. We cannot live a fulfilling life waiting for the approval of others.
And of course, these guidelines apply across the board to all toxic family members who might plague your holiday gatherings—fathers, children, uncles, cousins, and random ex-wives of third cousins who are still inexplicably on the invite list. Stand up for yourself against what you know will be poor treatment this holiday season by uninviting your toxic family members. Honor yourself and your family by being able to fully enjoy some holiday cheer.
SHERRIE CAMPBELL is a nationally recognized expert in clinical psychology, an inspirational speaker, former radio host of the Dr. Sherrie Show for the BBM Global Network and TuneIn Radio, and an active writer for Huffington Post and Entrepreneur.com. Dr. Sherrie was selected by the Beauty-In Beauty-Out Tour 2015 and received a Reflection Award in Los Angeles for being a ‘Real Superwoman’ in her community. Dr. Sherrie is a licensed Psychologist with over two decades of clinical training experience providing counseling and psychotherapy services to residents of Orange County, California. Dr. Sherrie has helped individuals manage their highest highs and survive their lowest lows―from winning the lottery to the death of a child.
For more information, please visit, sherriecampbellphd.com and connect with her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Success Equations: A Path to Living an Emotionally Wealthy Life is Dr. Sherrie’s second book and is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and other fine booksellers. Her third book, But It’s Your Family: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath, will be available in April 2019.
